Update on our After Dinner Chore Chart

Remember this post about an after dinner chore chart- spinner style? (Now that's a mouthful!)

Well, I promised an update on how it worked out and I am VERY HAPPY to report after almost 2 months, it has been a huge success!  At least with me : )  No, really, my boys were actually pretty excited to do this at first. And though they've certainly lost some of that enthusiasm and there have been a few complaints, we have stuck with it and it has become "the norm."  The spinner has made it more fun, eliminates fights over who gets to do what or anyone getting tired of the same chore, and everyone gets to learn how to do all different chores.

What I like best about it is most nights we are all in the kitchen working together on cleaning up.  Even my two year old tries to help.  And when we all work together it goes fast and I feel unified instead of like the exhausted, unappreciated maid who has spent too many hours in the kitchen.  Not all of my kids can do all of the chores and they still require some help from my husband and I but I know they will eventually get the hang of it.  Meanwhile we are all learning some valuable lessons.

Book Review: How Will You Measure Your Life?

I just finished reading How Will You Measure Your Life? by Clayton M. Christensen and found it inspiring! I don't consider myself to be a practical, business-minded person, but maybe I am more than I think.  I liked how he applied business and management principles to real life.  As a homemaker, sometimes I feel like running a family is like running a business- just because there are so many different aspects to it, but of course it is more than that.  Despite the successful business background, I found Christensen to be compassionate, as well as honest and very smart.  Overall, for me, I felt like he was stressing the importance of living life on purpose, with a definite and clear purpose- being more deliberate and focused in everything I do.

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"Real strategy in companies and in our lives is created through hundreds of everyday decisions about where we spend our resources.  As you're living your life from day to day, how do you make sure you're heading in the right directions?  (p62)

"With every moment of your time, every decision about how you spend your energy and your money you are making a statement about what really matters to you. (p75)

"You will be constantly pressured both at home and at work, to give people and projects your attention.  How do you decide who gets what?  Whoever makes the most noise? Whoever grabs you first?  Overcome the natural tendency to focus on the short term at the expense of the long term." (p80-81)

"Our default instincts are so often just to support our children in a difficult moment.  But if our children don't face difficult challenges, and sometimes fail along the way, they will not build the resilience they will need throughout their lives... You should consciously think about what abilities you want your child to develop, and then what experiences will likely help him get them.  So you might have to think about engineering opportunities for your child to have the experiences you believe will help him develop the capabilities he needs for life." (p155)

"When the kids come home for a family reunion, I like to listen to their banter back and forth about the experiences they had growing up, and which had the greatest impact on their lives. I typically have no memory of the events they recall as being important. And when I ask them about the times when Jim and I sat them down specifically to share what we thought were foundationally important values of our family, well, the kids have no memory of any of them. I guess the thing to learn from this is that children will learn when they are ready to learn, not when we’re ready to teach them….Your parents most likely weren’t thinking consciously about teaching you the right priorities at the time—but simply because they were there with you in those learning moments, those values became your values too. Which means that first, when children are ready to learn, we need to be there. And second, we need to be found displaying through our actions the priorities and values we want our children to learn.” (p137)

I think my favorite part is when he talks about setting a culture in our family.  We all worry that when we aren't there our kids won't make the right choices and even though they will always have their agency to choose for themselves and they may not choose what we think they should, we can instill certain habits and "autopilots" in our families.  This is through consistency, repetition and basically stating "We want our family to be known for kindness" or whatever else you want your culture to be.

Christensen says: "It's not as simple as setting family rules and hoping for the best.  Something more fundamental has to occur- and it has to happen years before the moment arises when our children are faced with that difficult choice.  Their priorities need to be set correctly so they will know how to evaluate their options and make a good choice.  The best tool we have to help our children do this is through the culture we build in our families. (p159)

"Forming a culture is not an instant loop; it's not something you can decide on, communicate, and then expect it to suddenly work on its own.  You need to be sure that when you ask your children to do something, or tell your spouse you're going to do something, you hold to that and follow through.  It sounds obvious; most of us want to try to be consistent.  But in the pressures of day-to-day living, that can be tough.  There will be many days when enforcing rules is harder on a parent than it is on a child. (p169)

"...it's easier to hold on to your principles 100 percent of the time than it is to hold to them 98 percent of the time.  The boundary- your personal moral line- is powerful, because you don't cross it; if you have justified doing it once, there's nothing to stop you doing it again.  Decide what you stand for.  And then stand for it all the time. (p191)

"I came to understand that while many of us might default to measuring our lives by summary statistics...the only metrics that will truly matter to my life are the individuals whom I have been able to help, one by one, to become better people." (p203)

After Dinner Chore Chart, Spinner-Style!

I think the time has come for me to pass on some of my dinner chores!

 Hallelujah!  This is why I had children, right?  Just kidding!

But I have hoarded dishes and dinner clean-up for myself long enough and I think I'm ready to enlist more help.  This is not only for myself (though part of me thinks this will probably not be any easier for me) but for them, too!  I think it's important that my boys learn how to do some housework.  It will make them better husbands and men.  (And my daughter-in-laws will thank me someday.)

So I got this idea to make an after dinner chore chart with a spinner.  Nothing fancy- I made in the Paint program.  I laminated it, cut out the circle and arrow (spinner) and attached the spinner with a brad in the center.  Every night each family member takes a turn spinning the spinner and where it lands is their chore for the night.  I'm hoping the game aspect of it will make this more fun, at least at first.  

We  presented the spinner at our Family Council on Sunday.  And so far the boys are excited to take part.    

I will let you know how it goes!

Afterschool Pandemonium

Sometimes I need the 8 hours my kids are in school to pysch myself up for the few hours they are home after school.  Not that I don't miss them!  It's just that they've been controlling their urges and suppressing energy for so long that when they come home they go a little crazy!

Add to that the fact that we usually have soccer practice, piano lessons or cub scouts so I need to have dinner ready by 5 and we are all feeling a little rushed.  

Add to that an almost 2 year old.  (A 2 year old added to almost anything else usually equals craziness.) 

The sum of all this means that 4pm in our home is an exciting time to be home!  (That is putting it nicely.)

Maybe you've had the same experience?  Backpacks, papers, shoes and dirty socks scattered all over the kitchen, competition for Mom's attention communicated through yells, frustrated remarks that Mom can't answer more than one question at a time, tears, sticking out of tongues, pokes, kicks, etc.  My almost 2 year old is either clinging desperately to me while screaming over the noise or joining in the craziness.  

Then once homework is coerced out of folders, the test of focus begins.  If big brothers lay on the floor to do homework, little brother jumps on them and tries to start a wrestling match, which they are more than happy to engage in.  If big brothers sit at the table, little brother climbs on a chair and starts throwing papers on the floor and grabbing pencils.  Again, a wrestling match ensues.  That's when WWF Mom the Ref enters the rink.  (One of my many roles.)  And when I try distracting my 2 year old, it usually distracts big brothers away from their homework. 

Despite what some would think if they witnessed our afternoon today, things have gotten a little better since the beginning of school and I have learned a few tricks that I can share:

• First and foremost, I have to be prepared.  Always an important skill to have.  If I have a yummy, and hopefully, nutritious snack ready and waiting that's one less battle to fight and I can get them to sit down in one spot.  I also have to be prepared with dinner- know what I'm cooking and either have it already started or something quick and easy planned.  And I know this is cheesy but I've got to have my attitude prepared and a smile ready to greet them, no matter what my day has been like.  A mother's mood is sooooooo contagious!  Sometimes this means I have to promise myself that I am NOT going to let them ruffle my feathers and under no circumstance will I yell!  And a prayer for patience is one of my most powerful weapons.

• Let them get that energy out!  The days we walk home or ride bikes usually run much smoother.  Or I will let them have some down time, playing outside before I try to make them do homework.

• I have to accept some craziness.  I may not like it but life does have it's crazy moments, especially with 3 young boys.  I try to enforce "inside voice" and general politeness and respect but a wise person once said you gotta "pick your battles".

• Set the timer.  My boys are just competitive by nature whether they are racing each other, me or the clock.  Sometimes giving them a challenge to get their homework done in a certain amount of time helps them to really focus on what they are doing.

• Last of all, I try to be totally present- physically (no hiding out in my room or trying to catch up on emails at 4pm) and mentally.  This is my time to be "at the crossroads" of my children's lives and I want to be aware of any hint of what my children are experiencing during those hours they are out of my influence and protection.  So I try to make myself really listen to them and hear what's important to them right now.

So, what tricks have you learned to combat after school pandemonium in your house?